Blogging more on Ameba

I'm sorry that I haven't been blogging on here as much... Life has just gotten crazy busy for a while and I also wanted to experiment with blogging on Ameba instead of Blogger. 

For the foreseeable future, I will be moving indefinitely to blogging on Ameba but I definitely will still be checking out cool blogs on here! 

I will be posting rants about my life mostly, and some Decome/pixel posts here and there, so come check it out!

Ameba link

rant about libtards

So this is the type of rant that I can never share on Spacehey because I will get instabanned for no good reason because of sensitive snowflakes in middle school that identify as it/itself getting offended and triGgEReD so I'm picking here instead.At least I won't get instabanned here because what I am ranting about isn't even hate speech such as saying overt slurs.

Anyways, I wanted to rant about some libtard "nonbinary man" that I came across on Instagram who talked about easy ways to take testosterone hormones which was fucking INJECTIONS. Not only do I think it's fucking stupid, but it costs at least $200 to buy out of pocket... 

"Why do you think it's stupid?" Because their pronouns are they/them, but they simultaneously identify themselves as a male and are taking testosterone to appear more male...make it make sense!! They're AFAB, go through getting top surgery to remove their breasts, and then they choose to present themselves as male despite being nonbinary?? SMH so fucking ridiculous. The whole POINT of being nonbinary/NB is to LOOK ANDROGYNOUS, NOT be a trans male!! 

I commented on their Instagram and genuinely asked why they wanted to take testosterone to overtly present as male if they identify as non-binary...cue stupid libtard hate speech from other people that don't use their brains to question their definition of logic...jesus christ. Of course the "nonbinary man" blocked me later because tHeY couldn't handle the truth

My god, this is just plain MENTAL ILLNESS. Why do I have to be associated with these crazy people that make the community I'm in look bad?? I wish we went back to the time where gay rights were a thing and people weren't pushing people to transition to prevent them from being gay/lesbian/queer etc. I have no clue what our world is coming to, but I'm scared and it's worrying me. 

To be clear, I don't think that transgender people are mentally ill in a derogatory way, but they are dealing with a unique situation that can definitely take its toll mentally. I understand completely wanting to make all of these sacrifices just to identify and present as the gender that feels right to you, but ONLY if you actually make an effort to fit into the societal gender roles. Otherwise, to me it's plain mental illness and concerning that someone would want to go through all this work and opposite sex hormones just to be a "nonbinary" MALE who says that they don't want to be presented as purely male?? Good god.

Also, I only will respect nonbinary people if they ACTUALLY make an effort to look androgynous, otherwise I think it's complete bullshit... I know this post will DEFINITELY rub people the wrong way, but I just want to rant without getting a bunch of hate comments/death threats/etc. 

addiction getting out of control

I've been having a skin picking problem for at least a decade of my life since I was 10 years old. It started out with my scalp, then my arms, then my back, then basically everywhere as time went on and now it's beginning to get really bad again.I can't believe this has continued to go on and on. 

I'm shocked there isn't more damage done at this point because I'm lucky that my skin scars well. I'm also shocked that I haven't gotten MRSA or any other REALLY bad infections yet considering that I've mutilated my skin without disinfecting it first or have had something as serious as a potential amputation.Article about it here if you want to read about it.

My legs are completely destroyed with scabs, my arms are getting keloid scars again, and I have hyperpigmentation ALL over my upper legs. I literally hate myself because I told myself 2 years ago after it was at its worst that I would NEVER do it again, but guess where we are 2 years later? I'm so ashamed and pissed at myself and my mom right now for ruminating on it and making me feel even worse about the situation.

She told me that I need to have self-discipline over a goddamned COMPULSION and went on about it for hours and it was exhausting. She proceeded to insult me, saying that I've picked my leg to "hamburger", that my wounds look like a heroin addict and that they will make people think I'm crazy or a walking red flag which will ruin my life. Of course she mentioned the amputation thing, but said that it would be an embarrassment to her and that I would be more of a burden by forcing herself to take care of me if god forbid that happened.

To top this all off, she said that if I don't stop skin picking, I won't be able to go to my sister's wedding as her maid of honor because my skin will look like shit and will embarrass my sister, and then I'll have to explain to everyone why I'm not invited, AND that if I relapse again that she'll kick me out of the house.

If she actually kicks me out of the house for this, forget EVER having a relationship with her for the rest of my life because like hell I'm going to associate with that bitch again. She can beg to have me back, but fucking forget it. Forget me ever taking care of you, cleaning up your shit and piss, because that will be Hannah Banana's problem and it WON'T be mine.

She tells me to not feel guilty about medical expenses because they "aren't my fault" then proceed to guilt trip me that I'm only able to afford my medical expenses because her and dad "have self-discipline". What the actual FUCK. I can't believe this is happening to me. I feel angry that I'm being manipulated into feeling like my medical expenses are a LUXURY like this is so fucked up.

Just so you know, I'm NOT the one who chose to birth this "burden" that you didn't want to parent, YOU did. You chose to conceive with these supposed "ethical" bullshit hormonal shots to force your body that is infertile with PCOS to have a baby just because you couldn't suck it up and get over it and look how that turned out. Fuck you, I will resent this for the rest of my life. Having hormonal shots that give you SEVEN fucking fetuses is completely unnatural and disturbing and I will never change my mind about that. The fact that there was only two healthy fetuses is telling that what the practitioners did was absolutely FUCKED UP and completely unethical. I will never have respect for anyone who is in this profession, they should be utterly ashamed of themselves and should go rot in the worst pits of hell both while they're alive and when they die.

Why aren't these people ashamed of doing this to selfish women who can't suck it the fuck up and get over their infertility? Why can't they just accept that life isn't fair and that they aren't able to conceive for a reason that they can't see?? Why are the doctors that run these practiced NOT getting sued?? Why are people NOT talking about this and protesting against this?I can't sit there and believe it's just "bad luck" when you try to forcibly coerce your body into being able to conceive when all this shit ends up happening. This can't POSSIBLY be healthy or ethical. I don't give a flying fuck about how controversial it is. 

I will be telling my therapist all of this. I don't care, I don't care, I DON'T CARE. I will be telling her about how much I fucking resent being born the way I was born, that I didn't choose to have all of these medical problems that I'm now being told are a luxury to treat, and have to watch all of my peers have it easy. The older I get, the more resentful and angry I get. 

Having me was a mistake. A total mistake that should have never happened. If you feel like I'm making your life hard, why did you choose to do this to yourself instead of accepting your infertility as a hard fact of life? I can't get behind women sobbing and crying about not having babies as if it's the worst problem in the world, in fact I want to scream at them, smack them in the face, and tell them to grow the FUCK up. I don't get it at all. I resent that they have life sOoOO easy that infertility and their husbands not giving them enough sex are the biggest problems in their lives.It makes me want to tear my hair out and SCREAM.They have no idea what a real fucking problem is.

I'm 24, I shouldn't have to worry about medical insurance all the time. I shouldn't have to have all these extra appointments and responsibilities that nobody else has to deal with. I wish I could have the petty problems people whine about being the WORST problems I have in my life because I would never feel unhappy again if that was the case.I'm stuck with dealing with all of this or else my life is going to be hell. And now I'm being told that my medical expenses are a fucking LUXURY?? Get your head out of your ass mom. Like seriously, get your head out of your fucking ASS.

I'm picking because I can't stand looking at flaws about my skin. Bumps always bother me and I want to get rid of them because they're itchy and bother me. I'm picking because I have HS that I am losing control over by the year with almost no treatment options left and now I feel like I have no control over my life, so then I resort to self-destruction to feel better. This is no reasonable excuse to keep engaging in these self-destructive behaviors, but I feel like none of the healthy coping skills work as well as harming myself to feel grounded and in control in my life.

I guess I'm not feeling as emotionally fine as I thought. This might be a good time to spill out my soul and tell my therapist the extent of my problem. Maybe even show her the marks and review coping strategies again that perhaps I forgot about. The important part is that I can't do this anymore and I DON'T want to do this anymore. I don't like dreading summer and I don't like hurting my parents. I sure as hell don't want to lose my partner because of my addiction, and I haven't even told him about how bad it is because I don't want to burden him with my problems.

Maybe this deep-seated resentment IS the emotional problems behind the behavior. I mean it makes sense. I do resent my life sometimes in some areas even though I genuinely am happy for the most part mood-wise. But if I was actually fully stable though, I wouldn't be an addict just like my uncle.

My uncle. I am JUST like him. I have an addiction and it's getting out of control. He gave me the addiction gene and now I need to take action and figure it out before I ruin my life.

feeling hurt

I'm feeling hurt because I fell for my mom's emotional trap again and trusted her not to take advantage of me and my emotions.

She decided to PRETEND like she was fine with me not meeting her expectations of her cleanliness standards because of me struggling with depression for a couple weeks, but then decided that it was inconvenient for her after I didn't magically read her mind about her being unhappy with my recent messiness and took it out on me. Like wtf kind of logic is this??

If you ACT like you're fine with something, the other person will think that what they're doing is FINE and get pissed at them for not reading your mind about your unspoken expectations is fucking INSANITY. 

What this is showing me is that our relationship is better the more I distance myself and don't talk to her. I hate that she doesn't communicate her resentment or negative feelings towards me until it's inconvenient for HER. Like I'm sorry that I can't magically snap out of my depression in 2 fucking weeks, it's a CHRONIC ILLNESS.

Sorry that something that isn't my fault isn't CONVENIENT or is annoying for you. 

I'm not the one who chose to be born, YOU did and now you have to deal with the consequences for your unethical fertility BULLSHIT. But do I ever decide to lash out at you about how I secretly hate you for doing artificial chemical procedures to have me despite your body telling you "no" to having kids?? NEVER! Because that would break your heart and would be telling you that your chronic PCOS is YOUR fault, which is just unnecessarily cruel to say. 

There are SO many NICER ways to go about telling someone that they need to start handling their responsibilities again without being like "You need to suck it up and act like an adult". She thinks that saying things nicely "doesn't work", but it doesn't feel like it's less effective at all. I feel like she is just looking for an excuse to take out her stress on me and it's starting to make me deeply hate her.

I hope I get this job I applied and interviewed for so I can start hardcore saving, move out, and barely talk to my mom again.