addiction getting out of control

I've been having a skin picking problem for at least a decade of my life since I was 10 years old. It started out with my scalp, then my arms, then my back, then basically everywhere as time went on and now it's beginning to get really bad again.I can't believe this has continued to go on and on. 

I'm shocked there isn't more damage done at this point because I'm lucky that my skin scars well. I'm also shocked that I haven't gotten MRSA or any other REALLY bad infections yet considering that I've mutilated my skin without disinfecting it first or have had something as serious as a potential amputation.Article about it here if you want to read about it.

My legs are completely destroyed with scabs, my arms are getting keloid scars again, and I have hyperpigmentation ALL over my upper legs. I literally hate myself because I told myself 2 years ago after it was at its worst that I would NEVER do it again, but guess where we are 2 years later? I'm so ashamed and pissed at myself and my mom right now for ruminating on it and making me feel even worse about the situation.

She told me that I need to have self-discipline over a goddamned COMPULSION and went on about it for hours and it was exhausting. She proceeded to insult me, saying that I've picked my leg to "hamburger", that my wounds look like a heroin addict and that they will make people think I'm crazy or a walking red flag which will ruin my life. Of course she mentioned the amputation thing, but said that it would be an embarrassment to her and that I would be more of a burden by forcing herself to take care of me if god forbid that happened.

To top this all off, she said that if I don't stop skin picking, I won't be able to go to my sister's wedding as her maid of honor because my skin will look like shit and will embarrass my sister, and then I'll have to explain to everyone why I'm not invited, AND that if I relapse again that she'll kick me out of the house.

If she actually kicks me out of the house for this, forget EVER having a relationship with her for the rest of my life because like hell I'm going to associate with that bitch again. She can beg to have me back, but fucking forget it. Forget me ever taking care of you, cleaning up your shit and piss, because that will be Hannah Banana's problem and it WON'T be mine.

She tells me to not feel guilty about medical expenses because they "aren't my fault" then proceed to guilt trip me that I'm only able to afford my medical expenses because her and dad "have self-discipline". What the actual FUCK. I can't believe this is happening to me. I feel angry that I'm being manipulated into feeling like my medical expenses are a LUXURY like this is so fucked up.

Just so you know, I'm NOT the one who chose to birth this "burden" that you didn't want to parent, YOU did. You chose to conceive with these supposed "ethical" bullshit hormonal shots to force your body that is infertile with PCOS to have a baby just because you couldn't suck it up and get over it and look how that turned out. Fuck you, I will resent this for the rest of my life. Having hormonal shots that give you SEVEN fucking fetuses is completely unnatural and disturbing and I will never change my mind about that. The fact that there was only two healthy fetuses is telling that what the practitioners did was absolutely FUCKED UP and completely unethical. I will never have respect for anyone who is in this profession, they should be utterly ashamed of themselves and should go rot in the worst pits of hell both while they're alive and when they die.

Why aren't these people ashamed of doing this to selfish women who can't suck it the fuck up and get over their infertility? Why can't they just accept that life isn't fair and that they aren't able to conceive for a reason that they can't see?? Why are the doctors that run these practiced NOT getting sued?? Why are people NOT talking about this and protesting against this?I can't sit there and believe it's just "bad luck" when you try to forcibly coerce your body into being able to conceive when all this shit ends up happening. This can't POSSIBLY be healthy or ethical. I don't give a flying fuck about how controversial it is. 

I will be telling my therapist all of this. I don't care, I don't care, I DON'T CARE. I will be telling her about how much I fucking resent being born the way I was born, that I didn't choose to have all of these medical problems that I'm now being told are a luxury to treat, and have to watch all of my peers have it easy. The older I get, the more resentful and angry I get. 

Having me was a mistake. A total mistake that should have never happened. If you feel like I'm making your life hard, why did you choose to do this to yourself instead of accepting your infertility as a hard fact of life? I can't get behind women sobbing and crying about not having babies as if it's the worst problem in the world, in fact I want to scream at them, smack them in the face, and tell them to grow the FUCK up. I don't get it at all. I resent that they have life sOoOO easy that infertility and their husbands not giving them enough sex are the biggest problems in their lives.It makes me want to tear my hair out and SCREAM.They have no idea what a real fucking problem is.

I'm 24, I shouldn't have to worry about medical insurance all the time. I shouldn't have to have all these extra appointments and responsibilities that nobody else has to deal with. I wish I could have the petty problems people whine about being the WORST problems I have in my life because I would never feel unhappy again if that was the case.I'm stuck with dealing with all of this or else my life is going to be hell. And now I'm being told that my medical expenses are a fucking LUXURY?? Get your head out of your ass mom. Like seriously, get your head out of your fucking ASS.

I'm picking because I can't stand looking at flaws about my skin. Bumps always bother me and I want to get rid of them because they're itchy and bother me. I'm picking because I have HS that I am losing control over by the year with almost no treatment options left and now I feel like I have no control over my life, so then I resort to self-destruction to feel better. This is no reasonable excuse to keep engaging in these self-destructive behaviors, but I feel like none of the healthy coping skills work as well as harming myself to feel grounded and in control in my life.

I guess I'm not feeling as emotionally fine as I thought. This might be a good time to spill out my soul and tell my therapist the extent of my problem. Maybe even show her the marks and review coping strategies again that perhaps I forgot about. The important part is that I can't do this anymore and I DON'T want to do this anymore. I don't like dreading summer and I don't like hurting my parents. I sure as hell don't want to lose my partner because of my addiction, and I haven't even told him about how bad it is because I don't want to burden him with my problems.

Maybe this deep-seated resentment IS the emotional problems behind the behavior. I mean it makes sense. I do resent my life sometimes in some areas even though I genuinely am happy for the most part mood-wise. But if I was actually fully stable though, I wouldn't be an addict just like my uncle.

My uncle. I am JUST like him. I have an addiction and it's getting out of control. He gave me the addiction gene and now I need to take action and figure it out before I ruin my life.