got some answers

 

So I got some answers from the psychiatrist last week, and turns out that I DO indeed have Bipolar II and she said that I haven't been aware of how my symptoms manifest and that's why I'm struggling. To be fair, I agree with her completely, but it doesn't make the news any less devastating and confusing. Like why me? Why do I have to be bipolar? How is this fair??

I found out from my mom that I likely inherited it from my uncle since he also has Bipolar. 

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or feel like a complete clown for not recognize that I was having mood episodes. I know that lately I've been having my moods go up and down a lot, but I didn't FEEL like I was bipolar...turns out that wasn't normal at all. I also found out that Bipolar II manifests as depression as a baseline, with occasional hypomanic episodes that present subtly in me. I guess my on a whim "fuck it" shopping sprees, having random nights where I suddenly don't feel like sleeping that much/feel too bored to sleep, and impulsively starting big projects that I later abandon is hypomania.

Well at least I have confirmation that I as a person aren't messed up or defective or a chaotic mess, but I just have a sickness that has manifested itself in my early adulthood and it's just how I'm wired. That was a relief, but then what now? 

I've started taking mood stablizers and a new ADHD medication that is longer-acting to add onto my antidepressant, and she told me to take my emergency anxiety meds for sleep if I'm starting to have or am in the middle of a hypomanic episode. So far, the ADHD medication has been drastically helpful and so has my anxiety meds, but time will tell if the mood stabilizer will work out. I do have faith in her though because every single suggestion I was initially hesitant about turned out very well for me so I have some hope and believe that she knows what she's doing.

I guess we'll see what happens.