hating myself as we speak

 

Ok so for starters, my dumbass didn't do any homework yesterday even though I said I would, and didn't reply to my groupmate's text at all because of said work not getting done. 

My therapist told me that me starting to blog again would be a good coping skill for me to try again since it worked in the past, so here we go again? It's been quite a long time since I've actually blogged (high school probably) but I'm going to make a real effort to keep my blog consistent and active this time!

I feel like it's better than social media sites because it's not only funner but there won't be any parents monitoring my every post/move/etc on social media because they won't know it's me unless I explicitly doxx myself

I may or may not upload pictures of myself here because of this reason (odds would be pretty low but not sure if it would be a great idea in terms of risk, but it's not like anyone thinks of blogger when it comes to finding people's social media sooo..) 

I probably will post other pictures of my life such as fun adventures and things like that! I think I will just use this as a replacement for social media because honestly I feel restricted on what I feel I can post because of my mom following me on social media and she's made comments in the past about things I've posted before (that weren't even anywhere near X-rated mind you!!). 

Yes, I was a young teenager, but no I don't want to risk posting anything my mom deems "too out of social norms" onto my personal social media (which includes LGBTQ+ content on my Instagram stories, not because she's a homophobe because she supports that I'm bi)but the last time I did that, she said that people will think me posting about this stuff will make people think I'm a lesbian and think it is a subtle way of me "coming out". 

Also I don't get what her fixation is with me doing certain things and me "looking like a lesbian". The first time this happened before I came out, I posted a picture with my best friend (EVERYONE that followed me knew that we were friends) hugging at a rave and didn't specify explicitly that we were besties but my mom told me that I should rewrite my caption and specify somehow that we were best friends or else people would think I'm a lesbian. My heart sunk for some reason out of anger that she would assume that (just don't like her making judgements about things) so I just added the #besties on it or whatever. Ever since then, I've been hyper self-conscious of making sure I don't just add a emoji on every post I make with a female friend and make sure that I always specify in some ways that we're friends only.

The second time she insinuated that I looked like a lesbian was when we were sitting and talking one day and she told me honestly that she liked my old haircut better than the shag I have now because the shag looks kind of "masculine" and it makes her think of a certain friend of hers (which may or may not be queer/gay but I don't know for sure. Anyways, I just don't want to risk posting any kind of personal opinion on my social media anymore so I've decided to not post on there as often and just keep that for major life updates or hanging out with buds to keep a sense of mystery and to not risk getting judged by her again.

 back on topic ...

To add to this whopper, I also fell asleep for the night when my intention was to "just take a little nap" when I pulled an all-nighter the night before and stayed up all day. I was thinking of napping just to pass the time before my doordash order got here, but I ended up sleeping for the entire night and now it's 5 in the morning...

now I get to eat soggy mcdonald's and hope it's good lol

I'm thinking of powering through for 5 or so hours and getting all the important stuff that I didn't do last night first and then getting to my other project (which my presentation is in 2 days mind you!!)

Guess it's time to get er'done and stop blogging about the stuff I haven't gotten done

P.S. I still want to be like Pikarin to this day...

I do need to get my skin cleared up though and stop my skin picking mess

I literally have no motivation to write my essay right now. I literally only have one paragraph left and editing to do. I hate myself. It's due tomorrow. I just want to get my paper done so I can celebrate Christmas already and relax and read... TT__TT



Also, I set the Keions as my wallpaper! ^v^

I hope everyone does well on their finals!

How players become players

I know why players become players.

They get hurt and rejected so much that they can't take it anymore, and start flirting with girls/guys to compensate for their "flaws". They want to seek revenge against those who hurt them and want to prove themselves to the world that they are good enough to be loved and appreciated. They want to flirt with many people at once so they can prove to themselves that they are worthy. 

Those who are players are not inherently bad people. They mostly start off as people with a kind heart and are strong and confident in themselves, but eventually they get exposed to the world's treatment. As a result, their image of themselves gets tainted to society's expectations, and they feel they should adhere to those expectations, so therefore, they start to become players. 

They get so angry and sad about being rejected from the world to the point where they just...snap. Whether it is family problems, getting rejected by the opposite sex, or just being bullied and mistreated by friends, they eventually break. They get sick and tired of being mistreated, turn cynical, and begin to take advantage of others to regain their power. By flirting with multiple people, taking advantage of friends, or trying to get revenge on the world in some way, they feed their damaged ego from their past scars.

They want to play the game so they can win against the world's uncontrollable situations.

This is why people become players.

All they want to do is regain their power back somehow, and they will never give up the fight...

Until they somehow accept it. 

Until they somehow accept that they had a bad past, got bullied by friends, or betrayed by their family, they will never stop being players or trying to bring people down.

They will never stop trying to regain their power until they accept the life situations that were out of their control.

Is it just me, or...?

Unpopular opinion: Is it just me, or do I have a deep distaste towards "feminine fashion" Instagrams?

You know, the Instagrams that post pictures like this:

I don't know what it is about these pictures, but for some reason, they tick me off! It's just so...girly. And consumerist. And conformy. The whole thing SCREAMS conformist, stereotypical basic b***h "pretty girl", gender role follower, and I absolutely HATE it!

I don't know why I dislike these kinds of accounts, because I am a girly-girl myself, but something about these accounts just doesn't sit right with me! 

I don't know if it is the whole girly thing, or the fact that it screams consumerism. I wish I could enjoy these accounts, but I simply can't! 

I just wanted to vent and let this out. 

Comment below your thoughts!
  

Theory about Kousei (SPOILERS)

I JUST FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHY KOUSEI "LOST HIS NOTES"



It's because he has perfect pitch.

Perfect Pitch, or Absolute Pitch is "is a rare auditory phenomenon characterized by the ability of a person to identify or re-create a given musical note without the benefit of a reference tone" (Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absolute_pitch).

In the series, Kousei was referred to as a "piano prodigy" and a "human metronome" by others, able to play the music by ear perfectly on tempo. After his mother's death, the piano became traumatic to him, and each time he played, he said in despair that he "lost his notes" and more importantly, "couldn't hear the notes".

This confirms that Kousei DOES have Perfect Pitch. Due to the grief of losing his mother, he was not able to make out the notes and lost his musical passion.

In the scenes where Kousei was losing his "ear", the notes sounded distorted and he felt like he was drowning in darkness. At these times, he was unable to detect the pitch of the notes accurately and fell into a panic.



Another picture that proves he has perfect pitch?




THIS. If a pianist can imagine the score and know internally how it sounds, then the musician has perfect pitch.

This is my theory of why Kousei "lost his notes". Hope you enjoyed reading this!

Have any more theories about Kousei? Feel free to comment below!

b（´∇｀）

Thanks for reading!