So my mental health in the past few weeks has been royal dogshit. I've had to take my emergency panic medicine almost every day, sometimes even twice a day, because of my thought spirals coming back. We're talking something as small as being frustrated about making a mistake turning into "You're an abject failure like you always are because of making [x] mistake, and you should off yourself" within fucking minutes.
I doubt Humira made me go on this downswing because the first time I started it, I was borderline hypomanic for a few days and felt like all my problems were cured, but then felt depressed when I had to stop it for a week and have been stuck in a depressive episode since, even when restarting the injections.
This happening makes me question if my psychiatrist's diagnosis of Bipolar II + comorbid ADHD a while back was actually correct and maybe I am in complete denial about it. I am anxious about facing this prospect because I personally still believe that it doesn't fit at all with what's going on, because all the representation I've seen about Bipolar has been people who have DRASTIC severe distinct episodes with psychosis to boot, and it must present much more subtly in me to where I can't even detect it until after a while.
I'm trying to read and understand more about it, and am starting to realize that it wasn't the brightest idea to outright reject my psychiatrist's the idea of trying mood stabilizers because now I'm starting to regret it and see what's she's saying about me not being as stable as I'd like to think. Maybe she is seeing something that I clearly don't because in all honesty, EVERY single medication suggestion I vetoed at first but ended up trying later with an open mind ended up going VERY VERY well for me.
The stimulant medications I was hesitant about? Ended up working FAR better than any of the non-stimulants I ever tried. The emergency anxiety medication (aka a strong antihistamine)? Works like a charm to curb my ruminating/suicidal doom thoughts in under 15 minutes. I'm starting to think that maybe she has a point about me having bipolar and I should sincerely take all her suggestions without hesitating about them in a single heartbeat.
Quite frankly, I've about had it with feeling this way and I'm getting sick of my own shit. I'm a week behind schoolwork because my thought doom spirals and lack of energy are starting to affect my ability to keep up in school and focus, even when taking my ADHD meds. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but it's starting to not work anymore. My boyfriend's noticing and he questioned if I might have bipolar disorder. My mom's noticing and she said that she thinks my negative thoughts are starting to inhibit my functioning, questions why I don't take my psychiatrist's suggestions sooner than I do, and tries to keep reminding me that taking my prescribed medication that a doctor gave me is NOT "pill-popping" like my uncle is doing with street drugs. She thinks I'm being TOO skeptical to the point where it's hindering me rather than helping me, and I'm starting to think she's right.
I am over it. I hate my life. I hate myself. Everything logically is going objectively good, great even, but there's a cloudy darkness over the entire thing. I feel chaotic, unhappy, unstable, out of control. My thoughts don't feel like they're my own anymore, and no amount of trying to convince my ill brain of the logic my sanity knows works anymore. I am self-aware and have my wits about me and know what's going on, but feeling helpless and out of control with managing these episodes on my own without popping stupid pills makes me feel so helpless.
Not sure if I'm finally waking up and smelling the flowers to the reality of my situation, but it's sure heartbreaking. I don't WANT to have bipolar disorder. I don't WANT the diagnosis to be true. I don't WANT to be mentally ill, I don't WANT this. I want to feel NORMAL without having to take psychotropic drugs and want to not feel suicidal and hating myself after every minor inconvenience. Ugh.
Thankfully, my appointment is this week on Friday, and I just need to power through until then and be brave. I know I need to at least try to keep an open mind to her suggestions, as much as I hate the idea of them, or else things will not go well and I know I'll regret it later on when other things continue to fall apart in my life.
What I don't understand is why me? My uncle fucked up his brain and has mental health issues because of abusing methamphetamine and opioids for years, but I never drink alcohol, never have done any drugs in my life, and actively try to keep good mental health, yet I get THIS bullshit?? What the fuck kind of deity thinks this is fucking FAIR?
I wanna cry. I wanna sit and cry. I wanna bury my head under the covers and pretend none of this is happening, but I can't be in denial anymore if I want to live to my fullest potential. I'm at the age now where I need to start making some serious adult decisions, even if the idea of them absolutely sucks ass. I'm dealing with a very adult problem, and my management of it at the moment is very juvenile and stubborn if I'm being completely real with you. I'm not trying EVERYTHING I could be trying, which includes MOOD STABILIZERS and any other suggestions my psychiatrist gives me.
On the bright side, my mom gave me a mystery surprise Inku Crate box to open so I can cheer up, so maybe it will perk me up? Guess we'll see.
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