feeling hurt

I'm feeling hurt because I fell for my mom's emotional trap again and trusted her not to take advantage of me and my emotions.

She decided to PRETEND like she was fine with me not meeting her expectations of her cleanliness standards because of me struggling with depression for a couple weeks, but then decided that it was inconvenient for her after I didn't magically read her mind about her being unhappy with my recent messiness and took it out on me. Like wtf kind of logic is this??

If you ACT like you're fine with something, the other person will think that what they're doing is FINE and get pissed at them for not reading your mind about your unspoken expectations is fucking INSANITY. 

What this is showing me is that our relationship is better the more I distance myself and don't talk to her. I hate that she doesn't communicate her resentment or negative feelings towards me until it's inconvenient for HER. Like I'm sorry that I can't magically snap out of my depression in 2 fucking weeks, it's a CHRONIC ILLNESS.

Sorry that something that isn't my fault isn't CONVENIENT or is annoying for you. 

I'm not the one who chose to be born, YOU did and now you have to deal with the consequences for your unethical fertility BULLSHIT. But do I ever decide to lash out at you about how I secretly hate you for doing artificial chemical procedures to have me despite your body telling you "no" to having kids?? NEVER! Because that would break your heart and would be telling you that your chronic PCOS is YOUR fault, which is just unnecessarily cruel to say. 

There are SO many NICER ways to go about telling someone that they need to start handling their responsibilities again without being like "You need to suck it up and act like an adult". She thinks that saying things nicely "doesn't work", but it doesn't feel like it's less effective at all. I feel like she is just looking for an excuse to take out her stress on me and it's starting to make me deeply hate her.

I hope I get this job I applied and interviewed for so I can start hardcore saving, move out, and barely talk to my mom again.

got some answers

 

So I got some answers from the psychiatrist last week, and turns out that I DO indeed have Bipolar II and she said that I haven't been aware of how my symptoms manifest and that's why I'm struggling. To be fair, I agree with her completely, but it doesn't make the news any less devastating and confusing. Like why me? Why do I have to be bipolar? How is this fair??

I found out from my mom that I likely inherited it from my uncle since he also has Bipolar. 

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or feel like a complete clown for not recognize that I was having mood episodes. I know that lately I've been having my moods go up and down a lot, but I didn't FEEL like I was bipolar...turns out that wasn't normal at all. I also found out that Bipolar II manifests as depression as a baseline, with occasional hypomanic episodes that present subtly in me. I guess my on a whim "fuck it" shopping sprees, having random nights where I suddenly don't feel like sleeping that much/feel too bored to sleep, and impulsively starting big projects that I later abandon is hypomania.

Well at least I have confirmation that I as a person aren't messed up or defective or a chaotic mess, but I just have a sickness that has manifested itself in my early adulthood and it's just how I'm wired. That was a relief, but then what now? 

I've started taking mood stablizers and a new ADHD medication that is longer-acting to add onto my antidepressant, and she told me to take my emergency anxiety meds for sleep if I'm starting to have or am in the middle of a hypomanic episode. So far, the ADHD medication has been drastically helpful and so has my anxiety meds, but time will tell if the mood stabilizer will work out. I do have faith in her though because every single suggestion I was initially hesitant about turned out very well for me so I have some hope and believe that she knows what she's doing.

I guess we'll see what happens.