feeling hurt

I'm feeling hurt because I fell for my mom's emotional trap again and trusted her not to take advantage of me and my emotions.

She decided to PRETEND like she was fine with me not meeting her expectations of her cleanliness standards because of me struggling with depression for a couple weeks, but then decided that it was inconvenient for her after I didn't magically read her mind about her being unhappy with my recent messiness and took it out on me. Like wtf kind of logic is this??

If you ACT like you're fine with something, the other person will think that what they're doing is FINE and get pissed at them for not reading your mind about your unspoken expectations is fucking INSANITY. 

What this is showing me is that our relationship is better the more I distance myself and don't talk to her. I hate that she doesn't communicate her resentment or negative feelings towards me until it's inconvenient for HER. Like I'm sorry that I can't magically snap out of my depression in 2 fucking weeks, it's a CHRONIC ILLNESS.

Sorry that something that isn't my fault isn't CONVENIENT or is annoying for you. 

I'm not the one who chose to be born, YOU did and now you have to deal with the consequences for your unethical fertility BULLSHIT. But do I ever decide to lash out at you about how I secretly hate you for doing artificial chemical procedures to have me despite your body telling you "no" to having kids?? NEVER! Because that would break your heart and would be telling you that your chronic PCOS is YOUR fault, which is just unnecessarily cruel to say. 

There are SO many NICER ways to go about telling someone that they need to start handling their responsibilities again without being like "You need to suck it up and act like an adult". She thinks that saying things nicely "doesn't work", but it doesn't feel like it's less effective at all. I feel like she is just looking for an excuse to take out her stress on me and it's starting to make me deeply hate her.

I hope I get this job I applied and interviewed for so I can start hardcore saving, move out, and barely talk to my mom again.

got some answers

 

So I got some answers from the psychiatrist last week, and turns out that I DO indeed have Bipolar II and she said that I haven't been aware of how my symptoms manifest and that's why I'm struggling. To be fair, I agree with her completely, but it doesn't make the news any less devastating and confusing. Like why me? Why do I have to be bipolar? How is this fair??

I found out from my mom that I likely inherited it from my uncle since he also has Bipolar. 

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or feel like a complete clown for not recognize that I was having mood episodes. I know that lately I've been having my moods go up and down a lot, but I didn't FEEL like I was bipolar...turns out that wasn't normal at all. I also found out that Bipolar II manifests as depression as a baseline, with occasional hypomanic episodes that present subtly in me. I guess my on a whim "fuck it" shopping sprees, having random nights where I suddenly don't feel like sleeping that much/feel too bored to sleep, and impulsively starting big projects that I later abandon is hypomania.

Well at least I have confirmation that I as a person aren't messed up or defective or a chaotic mess, but I just have a sickness that has manifested itself in my early adulthood and it's just how I'm wired. That was a relief, but then what now? 

I've started taking mood stablizers and a new ADHD medication that is longer-acting to add onto my antidepressant, and she told me to take my emergency anxiety meds for sleep if I'm starting to have or am in the middle of a hypomanic episode. So far, the ADHD medication has been drastically helpful and so has my anxiety meds, but time will tell if the mood stabilizer will work out. I do have faith in her though because every single suggestion I was initially hesitant about turned out very well for me so I have some hope and believe that she knows what she's doing.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow

 

I'm anxious about my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and have no idea what I'm gonna say. "My moods are wackadoodle ever since I've had a couple bad doctor's appointments"?? "My depression spirals get out of control and get triggered by the dumbest shit"? 

Like seriously, how am I supposed to admit that I want to try mood stabilizers without having a fucking panic attack? She thinks my meds work well, little does she know that the past couple months have been a shitshow.

Lately, I have a few days of feeling decent and keeping up on top of things, but then I spiral into depression for a few weeks, temporarily snap out of it for a day or two and then depression again. It's just been more extreme than usual, and it's starting to worry both me and my family.

My mom says that maybe if I try the pelvic floor therapy that the depression and mood swings will go away and I'll become stable again, but idk. I feel like there's something more going on under the surface if my general mood state is easily altered by outside events.

I guess we'll see what she says tomorrow. Ugh.

my mental health is absolute dogshit

 

So my mental health in the past few weeks has been royal dogshit. I've had to take my emergency panic medicine almost every day, sometimes even twice a day, because of my thought spirals coming back. We're talking something as small as being frustrated about making a mistake turning into "You're an abject failure like you always are because of making [x] mistake, and you should off yourself" within fucking minutes.

What's awful is that up until I had a couple rough doctor's appointments, I was doing great for a while and was decently stable until shit hit the fan recently. I sincerely think the second appointment that was with my gyno with my subsequent vaginismus diagnosis really set it off because I can't legitimately think of anything else beside Humira that could have caused it.

 I doubt Humira made me go on this downswing because the first time I started it, I was borderline hypomanic for a few days and felt like all my problems were cured, but then felt depressed when I had to stop it for a week and have been stuck in a depressive episode since, even when restarting the injections. 

This happening makes me question if my psychiatrist's diagnosis of Bipolar II + comorbid ADHD a while back was actually correct and maybe I am in complete denial about it. I am anxious about facing this prospect because I personally still believe that it doesn't fit at all with what's going on, because all the representation I've seen about Bipolar has been people who have DRASTIC severe distinct episodes with psychosis to boot, and it must present much more subtly in me to where I can't even detect it until after a while.

I'm trying to read and understand more about it, and am starting to realize that it wasn't the brightest idea to outright reject my psychiatrist's the idea of trying mood stabilizers because now I'm starting to regret it and see what's she's saying about me not being as stable as I'd like to think. Maybe she is seeing something that I clearly don't because in all honesty, EVERY single medication suggestion I vetoed at first but ended up trying later with an open mind ended up going VERY VERY well for me. 

The stimulant medications I was hesitant about? Ended up working FAR better than any of the non-stimulants I ever tried. The emergency anxiety medication (aka a strong antihistamine)? Works like a charm to curb my ruminating/suicidal doom thoughts in under 15 minutes. I'm starting to think that maybe she has a point about me having bipolar and I should sincerely take all her suggestions without hesitating about them in a single heartbeat. 

Quite frankly, I've about had it with feeling this way and I'm getting sick of my own shit. I'm a week behind schoolwork because my thought doom spirals and lack of energy are starting to affect my ability to keep up in school and focus, even when taking my ADHD meds. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but it's starting to not work anymore. My boyfriend's noticing and he questioned if I might have bipolar disorder. My mom's noticing and she said that she thinks my negative thoughts are starting to inhibit my functioning, questions why I don't take my psychiatrist's suggestions sooner than I do, and tries to keep reminding me that taking my prescribed medication that a doctor gave me is NOT "pill-popping" like my uncle is doing with street drugs. She thinks I'm being TOO skeptical to the point where it's hindering me rather than helping me, and I'm starting to think she's right. 

I am over it. I hate my life. I hate myself. Everything logically is going objectively good, great even, but there's a cloudy darkness over the entire thing. I feel chaotic, unhappy, unstable, out of control. My thoughts don't feel like they're my own anymore, and no amount of trying to convince my ill brain of the logic my sanity knows works anymore. I am self-aware and have my wits about me and know what's going on, but feeling helpless and out of control with managing these episodes on my own without popping stupid pills makes me feel so helpless.

Not sure if I'm finally waking up and smelling the flowers to the reality of my situation, but it's sure heartbreaking. I don't WANT to have bipolar disorder. I don't WANT the diagnosis to be true. I don't WANT to be mentally ill, I don't WANT this. I want to feel NORMAL without having to take psychotropic drugs and want to not feel suicidal and hating myself after every minor inconvenience. Ugh.

Thankfully, my appointment is this week on Friday, and I just need to power through until then and be brave. I know I need to at least try to keep an open mind to her suggestions, as much as I hate the idea of them, or else things will not go well and I know I'll regret it later on when other things continue to fall apart in my life. 

What I don't understand is why me? My uncle fucked up his brain and has mental health issues because of abusing methamphetamine and opioids for years, but I never drink alcohol, never have done any drugs in my life, and actively try to keep good mental health, yet I get THIS bullshit?? What the fuck kind of deity thinks this is fucking FAIR?

I wanna cry. I wanna sit and cry. I wanna bury my head under the covers and pretend none of this is happening, but I can't be in denial anymore if I want to live to my fullest potential. I'm at the age now where I need to start making some serious adult decisions, even if the idea of them absolutely sucks ass. I'm dealing with a very adult problem, and my management of it at the moment is very juvenile and stubborn if I'm being completely real with you. I'm not trying EVERYTHING I could be trying, which includes MOOD STABILIZERS and any other suggestions my psychiatrist gives me.

On the bright side, my mom gave me a mystery surprise Inku Crate box to open so I can cheer up, so maybe it will perk me up? Guess we'll see. 

sozai website

I'm currently working on a sozai website for everyone to be able to use on their blog posts!

It will include site menu buttons, backgrounds, super cute dividers, and more! 

So excited to keep building it and will link it on here once I'm done! It will be on Neocities

overstimulated :(

So my mom has her cousin over who has 2 children with hyperactive-type ADHD. God fucking help me. It's been less than 12 hours of them being over and I've been completely mentally checked out due to overstimulation since the first hour they arrived.

Both of them try to talk to me at once with 2 separate conversations, and I literally can't keep up because of being overwhelmed by my own ADHD. I can't stand them anymore and I want to tear my hair out and scream. Thank fuck that they're going to bed because now I can finally have some quiet. 

I have been so overwhelmed with all the nonstop stimuli coming from 4 different directions that I can't even process simple questions anymore. I can't wait for them to go to the balloon races tomorrow morning and be at work all day so I can barely see them. I'm hoping I don't have to see them at all after I get back from work because I'm going to be completely burnt out from noise at that point.

I'm so surprised neither of them have bad auditory sensory issues with their ADHD because I do and tonight has been absolutely awful. Any sudden noise at this point feels like my ears are bleeding. FML.

On a different note, I'm debating on whether or not I want to switch back to Adderall if the shortage has died down because I feel like it has worked better for me than Ritalin. Ritalin doesn't work nearly as long as I need it to and I'm still having some executive functioning issues. I think my mom thinks that my Ritalin isn't working well lately either because she said that if it isn't working anymore, there's no point in me taking it, which is true. 

I'm so frustrated because I know for a fact that my PMDD plays a significant role in how well my ADHD medication works. If I have a particularly bad month with it, my meds feel like they don't even work at all and feel like I'm taking a sugar pill 2 weeks before my period starts. What a waste. 

Hopefully I'll be able to make a better decision once my Humira starts regulating in my body again and my PMS symptoms settle down. Only then will I be able to make a more clear decision about my medication effectiveness. 

I'm hoping that by the time I have my next psychiatrist appointment, that I can maybe switch back to Adderall and try that again despite me not originally liking it working TOO well. If Ritalin begins working more effectively once I start eating more nutritious foods and my PMS passes, then things will be okay as they are and maybe I'll consider asking for a booster dose for the evening. I get a feeling that my psychiatrist would just switch me back to Adderall though, which I don't mind either, but I'm worried about the ability to be able to consistently get my medication, which is why I switched to Ritalin in the first place.

Sigh..