nothing to report really

So it's been a few days since I've last blogged because I've been so busy with finals this week. I have nothing significant to report except for petty whining tbh.

For starters, I completely bombed the art final that I studied for because it was the EXACT same test format that the midterm was in (yes, I bombed that one too) It was NOT fun calling my dad and telling him that I basically failed the final exam in a class which I already have a D in...

I also have managed to be DAYS late for multiple deadlines for my internship class because of studying for said final which I indeed failed. 

On the bright side, I got to hang out with my bestie and study with her for a couple days! I wasn't as productive as her, but at least I got something done! I also survived on boba tea and Starbucks mochas this week. I also got half a dozen donuts and we ate them together at the library (yes, I ate 5/6 of them since she was full and didn't want them, yikes)

I also went to my psychiatrist today and found out that the reason why I do well on a med I'm taking and coffee is because stimulants help with ADHD-like symptoms and well...I finally got the courage to ask to get evaluated in the near future. Pretty proud of myself ngl.

I also decided to reduce the dose of my other med by half because it's been making me way too apathetic over time since I've started taking it to the point where I don't care about important things such as schoolwork deadlines and showing up on time to work and to be honest, that's concerning me because anxiety meds shouldn't make someone that apathetic right 

I'm trying so hard to resist the temptation to google r/antipsychiatry and read horror stories of people who had bad experiences with meds because I know that information right now won't serve me because I have learned that I need to take some kind of medication to function appropriately for the rest of my life.

Anyways, the psychiatrist told me that the fact that this is happening is a problem and so is feeling flat because my dose could be too high now, so I felt like it was the right time to start lowering it. 

I also have been fixing my sleep schedule and have been sleeping at reasonable hours this week!

I'm going to get back to studying now!

 

Just another day, more chaos

 

So I had my presentation this morning for my cybersecurity class and needless to say it felt like a hot mess because I was like "uhm" "ah" "sorry" a lot more than I should have been tbh I sincerely hope my paper ends up going well or I am going to cry tbh

Also the film class presentation? Not fun. I pulled a fucking ALL NIGHTER for the sake of getting this shit done to present to the class (I was in charge of the film credits) but no, this bitch decided to blatantly disregard my work because she thought her version without the credits was better. Never mind that the professor roasted another classmate for forgetting the title, she just chose to forget that I guess. What a fucking selfish piece of crap. 

I reminded her over and over again that the professor would roast us if we didn't have a title or credits and that semi-crap ones are better than bad ones but did she listen?? nO!! So now I literally have no say in this fucking project at all and I just get to sit there and do nothing.

She also went behind my back and demoted me to assistant editor instead of editor because of the fact that I didn't put the clips in order good enough for her the first time (WHEN FOUR OF THE SCENES WERE LITERALLY FUCKING IDENTICAL TO EACH OTHER-- EVEN THE PROFESSOR SAID THAT WHEN HE WATCHED IT!!)

I feel so angry and sad that I want to cry because it's like I pulled an all-nighter for nothing and pretty much did all this work for this class just for one bitch who thinks she's all that to take over and ruin the spotlight for me.  

I feel like a useless piece of shit and sometimes I wish I was dead and would be able to kill myself without hurting my family because clearly my presence isn't needed or wanted in the field of work that I love. SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS TO BE FUCKING BETTER THAN ME. ALWAYS.

And no mom, it's not me being some fucking pessimist, YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT. 

I don't truly think you understand how I feel about being a piece of shit loser. Maybe my depression is planting ridiculous conspiracy theories in my head since you apparently think I'm delusional, but it's such a mindfuck because I don't know whose opinion I can truly trust anymore.

I just want to be good enough to be the liked one for once, like stick out of a crowd, actually not be a fucking weirdo and fit in and somehow not put out "piece of shit piss poor excuse of a women" vibes that will basically give me reverse being-normal-like-everyone-else osmosis.

Oh yeah, and the cast party that was promised?? Never even fucking happened. Just like that, an opportunity to talk to the cute guy gone. Not like it would work out anyways because my mom gave me a reality check the other day that most encounters with a guy won't turn out romantic so now I'm feeling even worse.

I don't want to live to be 22, I want to be fucking DEAD. D.EA.D DEAD. I don't know how I haven't chickened out sooner considering I went through hell in a global pandemic. 

I know I am definitely spiraling and I hope this awful feeling passes over soon....

adulting

 

You know you're actually a real adult when you start to relate to your 50-year-old dad about meal-skipping out of being too busy 

But seriously, I can't remember the last time I made myself a full, actual meal that wasn't takeout ordered from Doordash and now my dumbass is considering eating donuts for breakfast for the sake of getting decent calories in even though they aren't the most nutritious..

I also have an assignment I haven't finished that is now 3 days overdue, a presentation I have tomorrow which I barely have done enough research for and let's not forget finishing another project!!

I have no clue how I'm supposed to get all of this done, but on the bright side I have been going to bed before midnight for the past 2 nights and this is the second morning that I've actually woken up rested at 5 in the morning?? 

It's been hard for me to stick with waking up early for months because of my depression borderline wrecking my life but I've been doing it for the past 2 DAYS which is a huge accomplishment for me!! 

I'm going to try to keep this momentum going for now on and get into a routine that's much healthier.

Guess it's time to start hitting the books...

hating myself as we speak

 

Ok so for starters, my dumbass didn't do any homework yesterday even though I said I would, and didn't reply to my groupmate's text at all because of said work not getting done. 

My therapist told me that me starting to blog again would be a good coping skill for me to try again since it worked in the past, so here we go again? It's been quite a long time since I've actually blogged (high school probably) but I'm going to make a real effort to keep my blog consistent and active this time!

I feel like it's better than social media sites because it's not only funner but there won't be any parents monitoring my every post/move/etc on social media because they won't know it's me unless I explicitly doxx myself

I may or may not upload pictures of myself here because of this reason (odds would be pretty low but not sure if it would be a great idea in terms of risk, but it's not like anyone thinks of blogger when it comes to finding people's social media sooo..) 

I probably will post other pictures of my life such as fun adventures and things like that! I think I will just use this as a replacement for social media because honestly I feel restricted on what I feel I can post because of my mom following me on social media and she's made comments in the past about things I've posted before (that weren't even anywhere near X-rated mind you!!). 

Yes, I was a young teenager, but no I don't want to risk posting anything my mom deems "too out of social norms" onto my personal social media (which includes LGBTQ+ content on my Instagram stories, not because she's a homophobe because she supports that I'm bi)but the last time I did that, she said that people will think me posting about this stuff will make people think I'm a lesbian and think it is a subtle way of me "coming out". 

Also I don't get what her fixation is with me doing certain things and me "looking like a lesbian". The first time this happened before I came out, I posted a picture with my best friend (EVERYONE that followed me knew that we were friends) hugging at a rave and didn't specify explicitly that we were besties but my mom told me that I should rewrite my caption and specify somehow that we were best friends or else people would think I'm a lesbian. My heart sunk for some reason out of anger that she would assume that (just don't like her making judgements about things) so I just added the #besties on it or whatever. Ever since then, I've been hyper self-conscious of making sure I don't just add a emoji on every post I make with a female friend and make sure that I always specify in some ways that we're friends only.

The second time she insinuated that I looked like a lesbian was when we were sitting and talking one day and she told me honestly that she liked my old haircut better than the shag I have now because the shag looks kind of "masculine" and it makes her think of a certain friend of hers (which may or may not be queer/gay but I don't know for sure. Anyways, I just don't want to risk posting any kind of personal opinion on my social media anymore so I've decided to not post on there as often and just keep that for major life updates or hanging out with buds to keep a sense of mystery and to not risk getting judged by her again.

 back on topic ...

To add to this whopper, I also fell asleep for the night when my intention was to "just take a little nap" when I pulled an all-nighter the night before and stayed up all day. I was thinking of napping just to pass the time before my doordash order got here, but I ended up sleeping for the entire night and now it's 5 in the morning...

now I get to eat soggy mcdonald's and hope it's good lol

I'm thinking of powering through for 5 or so hours and getting all the important stuff that I didn't do last night first and then getting to my other project (which my presentation is in 2 days mind you!!)

Guess it's time to get er'done and stop blogging about the stuff I haven't gotten done

P.S. I still want to be like Pikarin to this day...

I do need to get my skin cleared up though and stop my skin picking mess