Just another day, more chaos

 

So I had my presentation this morning for my cybersecurity class and needless to say it felt like a hot mess because I was like "uhm" "ah" "sorry" a lot more than I should have been tbh I sincerely hope my paper ends up going well or I am going to cry tbh

Also the film class presentation? Not fun. I pulled a fucking ALL NIGHTER for the sake of getting this shit done to present to the class (I was in charge of the film credits) but no, this bitch decided to blatantly disregard my work because she thought her version without the credits was better. Never mind that the professor roasted another classmate for forgetting the title, she just chose to forget that I guess. What a fucking selfish piece of crap. 

I reminded her over and over again that the professor would roast us if we didn't have a title or credits and that semi-crap ones are better than bad ones but did she listen?? nO!! So now I literally have no say in this fucking project at all and I just get to sit there and do nothing.

She also went behind my back and demoted me to assistant editor instead of editor because of the fact that I didn't put the clips in order good enough for her the first time (WHEN FOUR OF THE SCENES WERE LITERALLY FUCKING IDENTICAL TO EACH OTHER-- EVEN THE PROFESSOR SAID THAT WHEN HE WATCHED IT!!)

I feel so angry and sad that I want to cry because it's like I pulled an all-nighter for nothing and pretty much did all this work for this class just for one bitch who thinks she's all that to take over and ruin the spotlight for me.  

I feel like a useless piece of shit and sometimes I wish I was dead and would be able to kill myself without hurting my family because clearly my presence isn't needed or wanted in the field of work that I love. SOMEONE ALWAYS HAS TO BE FUCKING BETTER THAN ME. ALWAYS.

And no mom, it's not me being some fucking pessimist, YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT. 

I don't truly think you understand how I feel about being a piece of shit loser. Maybe my depression is planting ridiculous conspiracy theories in my head since you apparently think I'm delusional, but it's such a mindfuck because I don't know whose opinion I can truly trust anymore.

I just want to be good enough to be the liked one for once, like stick out of a crowd, actually not be a fucking weirdo and fit in and somehow not put out "piece of shit piss poor excuse of a women" vibes that will basically give me reverse being-normal-like-everyone-else osmosis.

Oh yeah, and the cast party that was promised?? Never even fucking happened. Just like that, an opportunity to talk to the cute guy gone. Not like it would work out anyways because my mom gave me a reality check the other day that most encounters with a guy won't turn out romantic so now I'm feeling even worse.

I don't want to live to be 22, I want to be fucking DEAD. D.EA.D DEAD. I don't know how I haven't chickened out sooner considering I went through hell in a global pandemic. 

I know I am definitely spiraling and I hope this awful feeling passes over soon....