struggling to eat but I have to fix it

I have been struggling to eat consistent and nutritious meals for almost a month now and I can feel it start to affect my health. I am fatigued, depressed, and just want to lay in my bed all day, probably out of malnourishment. I don't know how this started, but I know it's starting to become a bigger problem than I'd like to admit to myself.

I've been struggling with managing my ED (likely ARFID) because I just haven't been in the mood to eat for the past few weeks. and it's just snowballed from there. All I want to eat these days is Reece's Peanut Butter Cups, M&M's, Chicken and rice, cereal and chicken nuggets, fries and ranch. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've been making an effort to eat enough protein or fruits and veggies for weeks. 

I'm stuck in this vicious cycle of not feeling like eating because nothing sounds appetizing losing energy from not eating wellresulting depression and lack of motivation can't get motivated or have the energy to make myself a decent meal  eating minisule amounts of food with no nutritional value and I have no clue where to even start with snapping out of it and taking care of myself. As a result, I'm now finding it difficult to get the basic mental energy to do basic chores and things I need to do which is stressing me out and contributing to this cycle.

I know I need to improve this for my own health because my mom is starting to become concerned about my eating habits and my health, and told me that she's noticing that I haven't been eating well nutritionally for some time now. She says that the reason that I may be more depressed and lacking motivation might be because of my lack of nutrition resulting from my diet, and I think she may be onto something. 

I do admit that I don't eat NEARLY the amount of fruits, vegetables, or protein that I need, or even eat enough, and that I don't prioritize planning for meals enough, which I'm sure is contributing to this vicious cycle I'm stuck in. I MAYBE eat 1-2 servings of fruit a day, no vegetables for days on end, and can't remember the last time I ate a protein source outside of peanut butter and fried chicken. I know that eating only candy and fast food is totally not sustainable, and I can already feel the negative effects it's having on my energy levels and mental health.

I need to start looking into simple recipes I can make quickly that will give me enough nutrition when I don't feel up to eating, which seems like has been sticking around for a while, and quite frankly, I need to start making it priority #1 before things get any worse.

It's really unfortunate that I'm having an ED relapse, but at this point, it's my responsibility to start prioritizing my recovery again and put more effort into eating healthily again. I'm going to start looking for recipes a few minutes a day and try making one of them once a week. I'm also going to make a point to start eating vegetables with my meals at least twice a week and see if these things help.

I'm starting to think maybe something like protein shakes and yogurt would be a good idea because they're extremely easy to prepare and make, and it will be something that I can eat quickly. I'm going to start these changes tomorrow before my relapse can get any worse.

exhaustion.

 

I'm absolutely exhausted from today.

I worked 5 hours as a cashier for my retail job and oh boy was it awful and exhausting. Since it was Labor Day weekend, we had a big sale on seasonal decor and the line felt endless considering that I have to manage the self-checkouts + check customers out on the cash register.

    It was a full 5 hours of nonstop noise, babies crying, customers asking me for help despite me being in the middle of transactions, having to ask for backup cashers almost every hour, and Karens complaining about the signs and prices.

  In all honesty, I fucking hate this job and I never want to work as a cashier EVER again once I start applying to other part-time jobs. I have to ask every customer if they are in our rewards program and ask them if they want to apply for our credit card and it gets REALLY fucking old.

 It's also hell for my auditory sensory issues and I often get overwhelmed and overstimulated, which can ruin my mood for the entire night after hearing trigger noises and multiple things going on at once for hours at a time. 

I was so overstimulated today that I was filled with extreme rage and was bordering on an absolute meltdown for almost 4 hours after I got back from my shift.

I honestly don't know why I've still stayed this long at my job. I told myself I would quit last December when we started to be forced to ask every customer to sign up for our credit card, but I just never got around to it or looked for another job and it's now been almost a year. 

I feel like it's time to expand my horizons and pick a retail store that does NOT have constant crying babies. In fact, why the everloving FUCK do mothers bring their wild unbehaved children and entire family tree to stores and clog up the line?? Not only is it incredibly noisy, but it is incredibly annoying and inconsiderate and utterly unnecessary. Is it THAT fucking hard for them to parent their child and tell them to shut the fuck up and stop crying or they'll go the fuck home?? I hate humanity, it's fucking ridiculous. 

Anyways, I need to get serious about looking for another part-time job even though I only have a few more months in my degree. I'm no longer going to use finishing my AA degree as an excuse to put off applying for other opportunities that are a lot less miserable. Plus, it's going to take months to find a full-time job in my field of work anyways, so there's no point staying at a job I absolutely hate at this point. 

So starting tomorrow, it's time I get serious about job-hunting and applying a ton to part-time job opportunities almost every day. If I just stop siting there and get my ass in gear, a better and less mentally draining opportunity will come around eventually. I just need to remember to actually do it (SCREW YOU ADHD).

On a different note, I'm really hoping that my mom will be able to sort out my medical insurance coverage situation with my Humira medication. I haven't been able to take my dose I've been needing to take since Thursday because of the pharmacy being unhelpful and frustrating pieces of shit. I hope it will get figured out tomorrow or Tuesday so I can continue on with the injections or else I will likely have to start over...

I hope everyone has a good night!

 

god I wanna fucking kms

So...I guess I got banned from Spacehey.

I used the site starting in 2021 to blog about my life and vent about my problems. It became a safe haven, solace, and diary for me up until tonight, when some asshole moderator decided to ban me because of hate speech and "mean comments"...

"Hate speech" as in ranting about xenogenders and neopronouns being absolute bullshit and that people who use nouns unironically as pronouns being a mockery to the LGBTQ+ community....and I get banned for that despite people in the comments section telling me to kill myself, that I'm a bigot and a retard?? 

I didn't even get a chance to redeem myself with removing the posts because I was busy adulting in REAL LIFE. Like I'm so fucking sorry mods that I can't be online 24/7 because I have real responsibilities besides staring at social media all day and hyper fixating on swear words. SMH. 

I used to love Spacehey because it was chill and people wanting nostalgia until all these sensitive crybaby teenagers joined and then the atmosphere got completely ruined. Now there's mods that are little babies banning people right and left for "bigotry" that literally doesn't exist :// Like sorry I wanted to keep my comment section open for people to freely debate on my rant post. I only gave shit back to the people who gave me shit and openly told me to kill myself. THOSE people should be banned, not me. Why is life so unfair?

I sent them a support email asking them if I could potentially get my account back, but now I'm reconsidering my decision on making another account on there ever again. It was getting kind of annoying seeing those cringe posts on the new blogs tab of the most random spammy shit ever to exist. Maybe it's time to move on. I could have outgrown the site's userbase, plus I have adult life responsibilities to focus on like my healthcare.

Speaking of which, fuck my specialty pharmacy who hires the most incompetent, unhelpful and rude staff ever who just read from a screen and transfer you instead of solving my medication billing problem. Now I've skipped my third dose of Humira for my HS, and I may have to start all over again if this takes too much longer.

 

I also have gotten an unfortunate vaginismus diagnosis after seeing the OBGYN+ for the first time in my life and not even being able to get my Pap smear done. Not only am I currently unable to have sex with my boyfriend without some stupid pelvic therapies I don't want to do, but I also may not be able to get my Humira for a while which is REALLY going to drain my energy from the pain HS gives me.

Anyways, fuck Spacehey and welcome back to Blogger. At least this time around, I won't be hated on by a bunch of salty teenagers that know nothing about how they'll be treated in the real world and I can freely blog about my (non-hateful) opinions in peace.

Maybe this is for the best. Employers nowadays have no clue what Blogger is and I doubt they think people my age use it. I also am under an alias instead of my real name, so likely I won't be found out and can feel less worried about real-life repercussions. 

So here's to a new, fresh start!

On another topic, I spent all day today watching an absolute tearjerker of a Japanese drama called The Hours of my Life. It was simultaneously touching and devastating, and really helped me be grateful for all the wonderful things I already have in my life. It was a really helpful pick-me-up for my recent disappointments.

I need to do my homework tomorrow and make a serious effort to get it done, but I hope to get back into Jdramas soon once I have the time and have caught up on everything!

nothing to report really

So it's been a few days since I've last blogged because I've been so busy with finals this week. I have nothing significant to report except for petty whining tbh.

For starters, I completely bombed the art final that I studied for because it was the EXACT same test format that the midterm was in (yes, I bombed that one too) It was NOT fun calling my dad and telling him that I basically failed the final exam in a class which I already have a D in...

I also have managed to be DAYS late for multiple deadlines for my internship class because of studying for said final which I indeed failed. 

On the bright side, I got to hang out with my bestie and study with her for a couple days! I wasn't as productive as her, but at least I got something done! I also survived on boba tea and Starbucks mochas this week. I also got half a dozen donuts and we ate them together at the library (yes, I ate 5/6 of them since she was full and didn't want them, yikes)

I also went to my psychiatrist today and found out that the reason why I do well on a med I'm taking and coffee is because stimulants help with ADHD-like symptoms and well...I finally got the courage to ask to get evaluated in the near future. Pretty proud of myself ngl.

I also decided to reduce the dose of my other med by half because it's been making me way too apathetic over time since I've started taking it to the point where I don't care about important things such as schoolwork deadlines and showing up on time to work and to be honest, that's concerning me because anxiety meds shouldn't make someone that apathetic right 

I'm trying so hard to resist the temptation to google r/antipsychiatry and read horror stories of people who had bad experiences with meds because I know that information right now won't serve me because I have learned that I need to take some kind of medication to function appropriately for the rest of my life.

Anyways, the psychiatrist told me that the fact that this is happening is a problem and so is feeling flat because my dose could be too high now, so I felt like it was the right time to start lowering it. 

I also have been fixing my sleep schedule and have been sleeping at reasonable hours this week!

I'm going to get back to studying now!