Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow

 

I'm anxious about my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and have no idea what I'm gonna say. "My moods are wackadoodle ever since I've had a couple bad doctor's appointments"?? "My depression spirals get out of control and get triggered by the dumbest shit"? 

Like seriously, how am I supposed to admit that I want to try mood stabilizers without having a fucking panic attack? She thinks my meds work well, little does she know that the past couple months have been a shitshow.

Lately, I have a few days of feeling decent and keeping up on top of things, but then I spiral into depression for a few weeks, temporarily snap out of it for a day or two and then depression again. It's just been more extreme than usual, and it's starting to worry both me and my family.

My mom says that maybe if I try the pelvic floor therapy that the depression and mood swings will go away and I'll become stable again, but idk. I feel like there's something more going on under the surface if my general mood state is easily altered by outside events.

I guess we'll see what she says tomorrow. Ugh.

my mental health is absolute dogshit

 

So my mental health in the past few weeks has been royal dogshit. I've had to take my emergency panic medicine almost every day, sometimes even twice a day, because of my thought spirals coming back. We're talking something as small as being frustrated about making a mistake turning into "You're an abject failure like you always are because of making [x] mistake, and you should off yourself" within fucking minutes.

What's awful is that up until I had a couple rough doctor's appointments, I was doing great for a while and was decently stable until shit hit the fan recently. I sincerely think the second appointment that was with my gyno with my subsequent vaginismus diagnosis really set it off because I can't legitimately think of anything else beside Humira that could have caused it.

 I doubt Humira made me go on this downswing because the first time I started it, I was borderline hypomanic for a few days and felt like all my problems were cured, but then felt depressed when I had to stop it for a week and have been stuck in a depressive episode since, even when restarting the injections. 

This happening makes me question if my psychiatrist's diagnosis of Bipolar II + comorbid ADHD a while back was actually correct and maybe I am in complete denial about it. I am anxious about facing this prospect because I personally still believe that it doesn't fit at all with what's going on, because all the representation I've seen about Bipolar has been people who have DRASTIC severe distinct episodes with psychosis to boot, and it must present much more subtly in me to where I can't even detect it until after a while.

I'm trying to read and understand more about it, and am starting to realize that it wasn't the brightest idea to outright reject my psychiatrist's the idea of trying mood stabilizers because now I'm starting to regret it and see what's she's saying about me not being as stable as I'd like to think. Maybe she is seeing something that I clearly don't because in all honesty, EVERY single medication suggestion I vetoed at first but ended up trying later with an open mind ended up going VERY VERY well for me. 

The stimulant medications I was hesitant about? Ended up working FAR better than any of the non-stimulants I ever tried. The emergency anxiety medication (aka a strong antihistamine)? Works like a charm to curb my ruminating/suicidal doom thoughts in under 15 minutes. I'm starting to think that maybe she has a point about me having bipolar and I should sincerely take all her suggestions without hesitating about them in a single heartbeat. 

Quite frankly, I've about had it with feeling this way and I'm getting sick of my own shit. I'm a week behind schoolwork because my thought doom spirals and lack of energy are starting to affect my ability to keep up in school and focus, even when taking my ADHD meds. I'm trying so hard to keep it together but it's starting to not work anymore. My boyfriend's noticing and he questioned if I might have bipolar disorder. My mom's noticing and she said that she thinks my negative thoughts are starting to inhibit my functioning, questions why I don't take my psychiatrist's suggestions sooner than I do, and tries to keep reminding me that taking my prescribed medication that a doctor gave me is NOT "pill-popping" like my uncle is doing with street drugs. She thinks I'm being TOO skeptical to the point where it's hindering me rather than helping me, and I'm starting to think she's right. 

I am over it. I hate my life. I hate myself. Everything logically is going objectively good, great even, but there's a cloudy darkness over the entire thing. I feel chaotic, unhappy, unstable, out of control. My thoughts don't feel like they're my own anymore, and no amount of trying to convince my ill brain of the logic my sanity knows works anymore. I am self-aware and have my wits about me and know what's going on, but feeling helpless and out of control with managing these episodes on my own without popping stupid pills makes me feel so helpless.

Not sure if I'm finally waking up and smelling the flowers to the reality of my situation, but it's sure heartbreaking. I don't WANT to have bipolar disorder. I don't WANT the diagnosis to be true. I don't WANT to be mentally ill, I don't WANT this. I want to feel NORMAL without having to take psychotropic drugs and want to not feel suicidal and hating myself after every minor inconvenience. Ugh.

Thankfully, my appointment is this week on Friday, and I just need to power through until then and be brave. I know I need to at least try to keep an open mind to her suggestions, as much as I hate the idea of them, or else things will not go well and I know I'll regret it later on when other things continue to fall apart in my life. 

What I don't understand is why me? My uncle fucked up his brain and has mental health issues because of abusing methamphetamine and opioids for years, but I never drink alcohol, never have done any drugs in my life, and actively try to keep good mental health, yet I get THIS bullshit?? What the fuck kind of deity thinks this is fucking FAIR?

I wanna cry. I wanna sit and cry. I wanna bury my head under the covers and pretend none of this is happening, but I can't be in denial anymore if I want to live to my fullest potential. I'm at the age now where I need to start making some serious adult decisions, even if the idea of them absolutely sucks ass. I'm dealing with a very adult problem, and my management of it at the moment is very juvenile and stubborn if I'm being completely real with you. I'm not trying EVERYTHING I could be trying, which includes MOOD STABILIZERS and any other suggestions my psychiatrist gives me.

On the bright side, my mom gave me a mystery surprise Inku Crate box to open so I can cheer up, so maybe it will perk me up? Guess we'll see. 

sozai website

I'm currently working on a sozai website for everyone to be able to use on their blog posts!

It will include site menu buttons, backgrounds, super cute dividers, and more! 

So excited to keep building it and will link it on here once I'm done! It will be on Neocities

overstimulated :(

So my mom has her cousin over who has 2 children with hyperactive-type ADHD. God fucking help me. It's been less than 12 hours of them being over and I've been completely mentally checked out due to overstimulation since the first hour they arrived.

Both of them try to talk to me at once with 2 separate conversations, and I literally can't keep up because of being overwhelmed by my own ADHD. I can't stand them anymore and I want to tear my hair out and scream. Thank fuck that they're going to bed because now I can finally have some quiet. 

I have been so overwhelmed with all the nonstop stimuli coming from 4 different directions that I can't even process simple questions anymore. I can't wait for them to go to the balloon races tomorrow morning and be at work all day so I can barely see them. I'm hoping I don't have to see them at all after I get back from work because I'm going to be completely burnt out from noise at that point.

I'm so surprised neither of them have bad auditory sensory issues with their ADHD because I do and tonight has been absolutely awful. Any sudden noise at this point feels like my ears are bleeding. FML.

On a different note, I'm debating on whether or not I want to switch back to Adderall if the shortage has died down because I feel like it has worked better for me than Ritalin. Ritalin doesn't work nearly as long as I need it to and I'm still having some executive functioning issues. I think my mom thinks that my Ritalin isn't working well lately either because she said that if it isn't working anymore, there's no point in me taking it, which is true. 

I'm so frustrated because I know for a fact that my PMDD plays a significant role in how well my ADHD medication works. If I have a particularly bad month with it, my meds feel like they don't even work at all and feel like I'm taking a sugar pill 2 weeks before my period starts. What a waste. 

Hopefully I'll be able to make a better decision once my Humira starts regulating in my body again and my PMS symptoms settle down. Only then will I be able to make a more clear decision about my medication effectiveness. 

I'm hoping that by the time I have my next psychiatrist appointment, that I can maybe switch back to Adderall and try that again despite me not originally liking it working TOO well. If Ritalin begins working more effectively once I start eating more nutritious foods and my PMS passes, then things will be okay as they are and maybe I'll consider asking for a booster dose for the evening. I get a feeling that my psychiatrist would just switch me back to Adderall though, which I don't mind either, but I'm worried about the ability to be able to consistently get my medication, which is why I switched to Ritalin in the first place.

Sigh..

struggling to eat but I have to fix it

I have been struggling to eat consistent and nutritious meals for almost a month now and I can feel it start to affect my health. I am fatigued, depressed, and just want to lay in my bed all day, probably out of malnourishment. I don't know how this started, but I know it's starting to become a bigger problem than I'd like to admit to myself.

I've been struggling with managing my ED (likely ARFID) because I just haven't been in the mood to eat for the past few weeks. and it's just snowballed from there. All I want to eat these days is Reece's Peanut Butter Cups, M&M's, Chicken and rice, cereal and chicken nuggets, fries and ranch. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've been making an effort to eat enough protein or fruits and veggies for weeks. 

I'm stuck in this vicious cycle of not feeling like eating because nothing sounds appetizing losing energy from not eating wellresulting depression and lack of motivation can't get motivated or have the energy to make myself a decent meal  eating minisule amounts of food with no nutritional value and I have no clue where to even start with snapping out of it and taking care of myself. As a result, I'm now finding it difficult to get the basic mental energy to do basic chores and things I need to do which is stressing me out and contributing to this cycle.

I know I need to improve this for my own health because my mom is starting to become concerned about my eating habits and my health, and told me that she's noticing that I haven't been eating well nutritionally for some time now. She says that the reason that I may be more depressed and lacking motivation might be because of my lack of nutrition resulting from my diet, and I think she may be onto something. 

I do admit that I don't eat NEARLY the amount of fruits, vegetables, or protein that I need, or even eat enough, and that I don't prioritize planning for meals enough, which I'm sure is contributing to this vicious cycle I'm stuck in. I MAYBE eat 1-2 servings of fruit a day, no vegetables for days on end, and can't remember the last time I ate a protein source outside of peanut butter and fried chicken. I know that eating only candy and fast food is totally not sustainable, and I can already feel the negative effects it's having on my energy levels and mental health.

I need to start looking into simple recipes I can make quickly that will give me enough nutrition when I don't feel up to eating, which seems like has been sticking around for a while, and quite frankly, I need to start making it priority #1 before things get any worse.

It's really unfortunate that I'm having an ED relapse, but at this point, it's my responsibility to start prioritizing my recovery again and put more effort into eating healthily again. I'm going to start looking for recipes a few minutes a day and try making one of them once a week. I'm also going to make a point to start eating vegetables with my meals at least twice a week and see if these things help.

I'm starting to think maybe something like protein shakes and yogurt would be a good idea because they're extremely easy to prepare and make, and it will be something that I can eat quickly. I'm going to start these changes tomorrow before my relapse can get any worse.

exhaustion.

 

I'm absolutely exhausted from today.

I worked 5 hours as a cashier for my retail job and oh boy was it awful and exhausting. Since it was Labor Day weekend, we had a big sale on seasonal decor and the line felt endless considering that I have to manage the self-checkouts + check customers out on the cash register.

    It was a full 5 hours of nonstop noise, babies crying, customers asking me for help despite me being in the middle of transactions, having to ask for backup cashers almost every hour, and Karens complaining about the signs and prices.

  In all honesty, I fucking hate this job and I never want to work as a cashier EVER again once I start applying to other part-time jobs. I have to ask every customer if they are in our rewards program and ask them if they want to apply for our credit card and it gets REALLY fucking old.

 It's also hell for my auditory sensory issues and I often get overwhelmed and overstimulated, which can ruin my mood for the entire night after hearing trigger noises and multiple things going on at once for hours at a time. 

I was so overstimulated today that I was filled with extreme rage and was bordering on an absolute meltdown for almost 4 hours after I got back from my shift.

I honestly don't know why I've still stayed this long at my job. I told myself I would quit last December when we started to be forced to ask every customer to sign up for our credit card, but I just never got around to it or looked for another job and it's now been almost a year. 

I feel like it's time to expand my horizons and pick a retail store that does NOT have constant crying babies. In fact, why the everloving FUCK do mothers bring their wild unbehaved children and entire family tree to stores and clog up the line?? Not only is it incredibly noisy, but it is incredibly annoying and inconsiderate and utterly unnecessary. Is it THAT fucking hard for them to parent their child and tell them to shut the fuck up and stop crying or they'll go the fuck home?? I hate humanity, it's fucking ridiculous. 

Anyways, I need to get serious about looking for another part-time job even though I only have a few more months in my degree. I'm no longer going to use finishing my AA degree as an excuse to put off applying for other opportunities that are a lot less miserable. Plus, it's going to take months to find a full-time job in my field of work anyways, so there's no point staying at a job I absolutely hate at this point. 

So starting tomorrow, it's time I get serious about job-hunting and applying a ton to part-time job opportunities almost every day. If I just stop siting there and get my ass in gear, a better and less mentally draining opportunity will come around eventually. I just need to remember to actually do it (SCREW YOU ADHD).

On a different note, I'm really hoping that my mom will be able to sort out my medical insurance coverage situation with my Humira medication. I haven't been able to take my dose I've been needing to take since Thursday because of the pharmacy being unhelpful and frustrating pieces of shit. I hope it will get figured out tomorrow or Tuesday so I can continue on with the injections or else I will likely have to start over...

I hope everyone has a good night!